Bad Blogger!

So, I've been TERRIBLE at keeping up with the blog this year, as you can see from my meager postings thus far in 2010. Here's the first six months of the year in thirty seconds or less:

• Puerto Vallarta was great! We especially enjoyed the swim-up bar, swimming in the ocean every day, and parasailing!
• MAN vs. GEORGE opened an online shop for greeting cards on Etsy, the place for all things handmade. You can find it here: http://manvsgeorge.etsy.com
• 
  We took home first prize in Katy and Nunzino's 11th Annual Easter Egg Dyeing Competition, with our entry "The Easter Mummy Conquers the Pyramid of Eggypt".
• We went to some great concerts (and a great variety of them, too): The Flaming Lips, Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings, and the "Infinite Stairways" CD release parties for Milwaukee jazz guitarist Steve Peplin. 

As for what the second half of the year will hold? It's anyone's guess!

Grape Hyacinths, Here I Come!

Time for a garden update!

I've been disappointed with the performance of the pink Lily of the Valley I planted along our garage last year (two of the three bloomed white in the first year, the third one died; and this year, the surviving two sprouted leaves but no flowers). Tired of what is now essentially a bare-bones pile of mulch, I placed an order yesterday at John Scheepers for 200 Grape Hyacinth bulbs in a variety of colors. They are supposed to do well with minimal care (check!), in moderate light or shade (hopefully mostly shade will work...), and deer tend to avoid them (yay!) Here's what I'm hoping to see in the spring:

I'll keep you posted!

The Debate Rages On

You, the people, overwhelmingly voted that the next blog post you wanted to read was "The Crunchy vs. Smooth Nutella Debate." ("Really?" I asked then, and I ask again. "Really, people? Has it really come to this?") Just call me Barbara Eden (but please don't make me wear the harem pants): Your wish is my command!

Herewith, the Crunchy vs. Smooth Nutella Debate:

Perhaps you are imagining a pleasant dinner-table conversation gone awry when one person (let's say, me) casually mentions the obvious superiority of some object/political system/substance (let's say, the new Pet Shop Boys CD/democracy/crunchy Nutella) over all other objects/political systems/substances, because, well, clearly... But then the other person (let's say, the Mister) snaps his head around and gets all "Whoa whoa whoa, hold the phone, oh no you didn't" and the original person is all "Local girl just saying" and the totally misguided person is all, "I concede the new Pet Shop Boys CD issue because I know I will never convince you of the superiority of my complaint-rock faves Oasis, and I'll let the democracy issue pass even though dictatorships tend to have more fashionable military uniforms, but...crunchy Nutella over smooth? You've obviously gone around the bend!"

And then it escalates.

The first person says something to the effect of, "I can't believe that you of all people -- you who complain so bitterly when I accidentally pick up non-chunky peanut butter at the grocery store -- would suddenly side with smooth!" To which the second person says, "Dude, you are such a liar. You NEVER go to the grocery store!" To which the first person says, "Hey, now. Let's not exaggerate. I went that once. But you still haven't explained why you're suddenly hopping into bed with a creamy sandwich spread and forsaking your previously stated love for the crunchy variety!"

The second person draws in a deep breath and replies, coolly, "Listen, you can be a traitor all you want to the old school genuine goodness of original smooth Nutella, but don't expect me to hop on your crunchy little knockoff bandwagon."

The first person never before considered that her adoption of a newly discovered crunchy variety of the popular European chocolate hazelnut spread (labeled and distributed by World Market and sold for about half the price of "real" Nutella) could be viewed as anything less than culinary adventurousness made even more admirable through bargain hunting prowess. This accusation of betrayal was a shock for which she was not prepared.

"Oh baby, I hate it when we fight!" she cried.

"Me too, darling. Let's never speak of this again."

And lo. It was never spoken of again.

Until you people demanded a blog post about it. Great. Thanks a lot. If I'm relegated to the couch tonight, you'll definitely be hearing about it on another blog post, about 5 months from now.

The Results Are In!

Thanks to everyone who voted in last month’s editorial poll, I now have a list of story topics at the ready, just waiting to be written the next time I put down the iPhone, look up from the Netflix, and stop petting George the cat with my feet. (I’m allergic, OK?)

You, the people, have demanded the following stories, in descending order of popularity:

• Backstage After Flight of the Conchords (May 2009) - 5 votes
  (Happy to oblige: Read it here.)
• The Crunchy vs. Smooth Nutella Debate – 5 votes
  (Really? Has it come to this?) (Update: Done! Read it here.)
  
• Putting the Bad in Badminton (June 2009) – 5 votes
  (What are you talking about, bad? We ROCK!)
• A Very (Wayne) Brady Vegas Experience (October 2008) – 3 votes
  (I’m shocked this didn’t get more votes. Maybe it would have been a more popular selection if I had titled it “Wayne Brady Pulled My Hair and Rode Me Like a Donkey, Live On Stage at the Venetian. And Ryan Was OK With It.”)
• Til & Kate's Excellent Kohler Adventure (May 2009) – 3 votes
  (Probably didn’t get more votes because you are all jealous of our hot stone massages and manicures.)
• What the Hell is Tilney Planting in the Garden This Week? (Recurring) – 3 votes
  (The real question may be, What the hell keeps eating what I’ve been planting in the garden this week?)
• Latest Samples from the MAN vs. GEORGE DESIGN Portfolio (June 2009) - 2 votes
  (News flash: Latest work is now posted at http://manvsgeorge.com)
• Katy & Nunzino's 11th Annual Easter Eggstravaganza (April 2009) - 2 votes
  (High-stakes Easter Egg decorating at its best!)
• Tilney & Ryan's Wedding CD: The Missing Liner Notes (November 2007) - 2 votes
  (Admit it, you are dying to know how we put Erlend Øye and Glenn Gould and The Doors on one disc and made it work artistically. Or, you’re dying to know how I convinced Ryan to allow me to include a Kylie Minogue song on the mix.)
• Trip Down Ann Arbor Memory Lane (May 2009) - 2 votes
  (Hail to the victors, man! Let’s relive my college days, except...with a better wardrobe and budget!)
• Tilney's Review of the Latest Pet Shop Boys Album (April 2009) - 2 votes
  (Preview: It is AWESOME.)
• I Want to See More Wedding Photos, Damn It! (November 2007) - 1 vote
  (Awww, thanks for voting, mom!)
  

Stay tuned for the next story...which should be posted once I stop writing posts about the stories I intend to write in the future.

Planter Mania!

It's sometimes dangerous to be my friend. For instance, last weekend, I called up my friend Janette in Madison and asked if she wanted to come visit and help me pick out plants for my new patio planters. "Sure!" she gamely agreed. Little did she know she was in for a day of mild sunstroke and spontaneous sledgehammer use.

We started our day innocently enough with a leisurely breakfast at Le Rêve Patisserie & Café in Wauwatosa (highly recommended, by the way!), but the next thing you know, 12 hours have gone by and we're sunburned, exhausted, and covered in dirt. At some point we ended up eating McDonald's and using a sledgehammer to destroy some immovable objects, without waiting the requisite 30 minutes in between. Befriend me at your own risk.

I've blocked out most of the other details, but I did have the presence of mind to take a few snapshots of our handiwork.

All four planters. Most of my other garden experiments so far have been more controlled, with just a few varieties of plants at a time in a given space. With the planters, I decided to go wild. Tropicals mixed with native plants, perennials mixed with annuals, crazy textures, plants that will grow to 5' tall...it's planter mania!


Close up on the largest planter. Caladium, calla lilies in light yellow and deep red, purple lupine, orange coleus, hens & chicks, and celiosa.


Close up on the second largest planter. Some giant Australian flax, caladium, orange coleus, hens & chicks, and something red.


Close up on the second smallest planter. Kalanchoes, hens & chicks, another alocasia, and celiosa.


Close up on the smallest planter. Black sweet potato vine, Gerber daisies, some other vine I don't remember the name of.


I haven't picked a favorite yet. What do you think?

Lemons and Lemonade

O the horror!



Such carnage! The stems of my long-stemmed double tulips chewed through! Entire heads lopped off the shorter, still-budding orange princess tulips! Why? Why? So help me, if I ever find the bunny or the deer that did this...

After my shock and dismay wore off, I fetched a pair of scissors and tried to make the best of the situation.



My flower-arranging skills aren't nearly as good as my Mom's (by the way, Happy Birthday today, Mom!) but this is certainly better than leaving the fallen tulips outside.

Little Princesses

Sweet! Finally some blooms on the orange princess tulips! My iPhone photo doesn't do them much justice, but they have gorgeous orange-purple centers in those densely packed heads. Their leaves look like velvet. I must say, I do not regret splurging on these exotic bulbs!

Blooms!

How nice to see these double tulips blooming in our garden out front!



Here is a close-up view...



The daffodils are trying to bloom but are looking a little droopy. The other (shorter) tulips in the same garden bed are budding but not blooming yet.

The big news in the back yard is that 6 out of 9 lily trees have finally begun to sprout. So far they are just peeking out 1/2" to 2" or so, but there's definitely some movement there!

No blooms yet in the lollipop garden, but there are a few buds on the biggest alliums. However, their leaves are a little droopy. I'm not sure if that is normal, or if they're getting too much water or not enough light or both. They are green but kind of spongy feeling. I'm going with "too much water" as the diagnosis until someone tells me otherwise.

The other very exciting news is that all three things I planted last year under the black walnut tree (a.k.a. the Dead Zone) are thriving this year: Lamb's Ear, Red Fanal Astilbe, and Hosta Marginata.

Spring Tease

Here are some teasers from the gardens, hinting that spring might actually be here.

First, a whorl of leaves unfurling from what I'm thinking must be the white feather hosta in the shade garden (starts out green, turns white, or so I'm told)...



Next, the supple leaves of some exotic Orange Princess and Sunrise tulips and Flower Drift daffodils I planted in the garden out front...



And finally, my favorite so far (in theory...we'll see about reality when they bloom): small and large sproutings of numerous Allium varieties in what I'm calling the (future) Lollipop Garden.



Still no sign of the Lily Trees that we planted late last fall, or the pink Lily of the Valley that we planted last spring and actually grew last year (albeit somewhat anemically).

Yay spring! Come on, flowers!

Signs of Spring

I took these pictures this morning as irrefutable proof that spring is here, despite the fact that the weather forecast says 6" of wet snow should blanket the area by tonight. These are two of the four helleborus that are already in bloom in our shade garden.

Cellule-oid Dreams

I am so tempted to order some packs of Cellule, a new (and as-yet-nonexistent) product for the modern garden, designed by NYTO studios. Think of how much nicer this would look than the chain-link fence dividing my yard from my neighbor's! Or on the side of my garage...



Joy de Vivre, the vendor, has an interesting business model for this product... it will only be manufactured if a minimum number of orders are received by April 6. So act now so you and I can both get our Cellule walls up and growing!

Pre-Ordering My Way to Spring

It has been so cold and disgusting outside for so many months that I have become especially susceptible to the lush, colorful emails that arrive once a week from Breck's, purveyors of premium Dutch bulbs since 1818.

I can only imagine how costly and risky their overseas sales efforts must have been back in the day, but the advent of the Interwebs must be great for anyone in the plant business.

Hey there, frozen Wisconsinite!, they might as well say. Do you miss colors other than white and gray? Check out THESE babies!

Mmmmm...Giant Columbine mixture for the front garden...



"2- to 3-inch blooms," you say?

"Charming, bonnetlike flowers in shades of blue, yellow, rose and red above mounds of fernlike leaves"? "Carefree plants [that] attract butterflies"? And they actually grow in zone 5?!

With these planted out front, I might actually visit the front of my house more often!

Next up, new specimens for the shade garden:



Exotic Jack-in-the-Pulpit for the shade garden in back. In four varieties, no less?

"These hard-to-find exotics look like tender summer bulbs but are actually winter hardy perennials. You get tropical beauty without the hassle - no need to lift in the fall!"

And did you say deer-resistant? Sign me up!

I don't even care that these plants won't arrive until early summer and that they probably won't bloom until 2010. I will gladly fork over some cash for these pretty pictures and a head full of glorious garden daydreams in the meantime.

Photo credits: Breck's (Columbine) and InAweOfNature.com (Jack-in-the-Pulpit).

Mystery Solved

For today's entry, we reach into the mailbag and pull out a bonafide mystery!

This email, from my sister Katy, was awaiting in my Inbox:

Okay it is quite rare that I will look under any bed in my house, much less the guest bedroom, but in my quest to find my electric knife (I do crafts, okay? don't judge), I ran across a half-eaten collection of Fannie May Christmas chocolates. Need to know if it was left behind inadvertently by my Christmas guests or if my husband has become a secret binge-eater.

Thanks!

By "Christmas guests" she means me and Ryan. It has been a fun holiday tradition for us to stay in the guest room at Katy and Nunzino's for a few nights every Christmas. However, this Christmas we stayed only one night, spending the rest of our holiday nights at the fabulous Dana Hotel and Spa downtown (thanks to a wonderful Christmas gift from Ryan).

Not to throw Nunzino under the bus or anything, but we simply weren't there long enough this year to do that much damage to a box of chocolates...I think.

But then I think of Ryan. Man's got a sweet tooth. Remember the popsicle incident of 2002?

Still, something about this wasn't quite adding up. I had so many unanswered questions...

1. Now, by half-eaten, did she mean that each chocolate was bitten in half, or that only half the chocolates were eaten? (Neither one really sounds like us. I might bite one in half and reject it if it's disgusting on the inside, but I doubt I'd go back for more. And Ryan, well, if he were on a nocturnal candy binge, I think ALL the chocolates would be gone, not just half of them.)
2. Also, which side of the bed? (If it was on the treadmill side -- the side where I sleep -- then Nunzino or one of the kids was probably the culprit. I would have worked harder to cover my tracks than just shoving the box under the bed. I like to think Ryan would too, but then again, he did leave that empty box of posicles and a trail of sticky sticks and wrappers in plain sight back in '02.)
3. Finally, did she recognize the chocolates as being something she purchased / received as a gift? Or were they totally foreign? (Fannie May is not our usual bag, so I doubt we, and by we I mean Ryan, brought them. However, that does not mean he wouldn't EAT them, although he's typically better behaved than to eat an entire...or rather half an entire...box of chocolates from someone else's pantry.)

This was a mystery indeed!!

So. I showed Ryan the photo and he broke out into an embarrassed grin. The same sheepish look he had in 2002, minus the strawberry tint around the corners of his mouth.

He fessed up right away. He was the culprit, but like all good mysteries, this one had one last twist:

Those chocolates were from Christmas 2007!!!

Apparently they were a gift that we received out at the big multi-family celebration hosted by Aberdeen and Tim. Ryan didn't eat much for dinner that night, so he was STARVING when we got back. So starving that he downed half a box of chocolates before passing out as the box fell from his hand and slid under the bed.

When asked if he had anything to say for himself, Ryan replied, "Katy should really really check under the bed more often."

Surviving the Super Bowl with No TV

Some of you already know that Casa TILNEYandRYAN is a television-free zone. Like when you dropped by unexpectedly to watch the Oscars last year, only to discover that we had ditched cable.

"No matter," you said. "We'll just adjust the rabbit ears... Wait, you have no rabbit ears? What is with you people?! You don't *look* Amish!"

The thing about the rabbit ears is, it wouldn't have mattered even if we *did* have them: Our house was built in 1905, and the architect had the foresight to insulate our home with a protective lead barrier. It's hell on cell phone signals.

Why on earth did we choose to live a TV-free life? Did someone lose a bet? Are we making a political statement?

Not exactly. When we moved from Madison to Milwaukee in 2006, we discussed continuing our cable subscription. But really we only watched a handful of channels: Comedy Central for Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, Discovery Channel for Mythbusters, Bravo for Project Runway, CNN for that fetching news ticker at the bottom of the screen, which we understood they've recently removed -- pity, and TNT for our daily five-hour dose of Law & Order (the original version -- none of this Vincent D'Onofrio sees dead people crap).

Anyhoo, we thought of all those commercials we had to sit through. We thought of how the History Channel was really losing its grip, in that it seems to consider "history" to consist mainly of WWII Nazi gold mysteries and documentaries on alien abductions. The History Channel, people! We thought: We can do better than this! As for news, we can read (or watch) it online. We subscribe to good magazines that keep us up to date with the really important news, and for really timely news, we listen to NPR.

So we ditched cable and increased our Netflix subscription from 3 at a time to 5 at a time, and lately to 7 at a time because there are still some nights when we are without DVDs to watch. We are still able to catch all our favorite shows (commercial-free, no less)...it's just that we're one year behind what's currently being broadcast. So don't, for the love of God, tell me what happened this week on Lost!

Still, there are a few days out of the year when we miss watching live TV. Today is one of those days. So we are heading a few blocks down the street to The Chancery, our local pub, to watch us some football!

Besides Super Bowl Sunday, what days of the year do you thank your lucky stars you have a TV (or wish you had one)? Share your must-watch TV events in the comments.

Image credit: Tot Snob

Creative Collaboration

Sorry for the lack of updates lately. Ryan and I have been busy working on the Web site for his new graphic design business, MAN vs. GEORGE DESIGN. Right now it is only a placeholder page with the logo and an email signup form, but we are working on the real site and will keep you posted when it is up and running.*

It has been a fun and eye-opening experience, working on the site together. Since Ryan is much more adept at using Illustrator (our design program) than I am, and I am more adept at writing HTML and using Dreamweaver (the Web development program) than he is, we have each had a few moments working together where one or the other of us has had to stop and admit "I forget that just because I know something about this application doesn't mean you automatically know it too." We share a house, a fridge, a cat, and a love for fine dark chocolate, but as it turns out, we do not share a brain.

(*UPDATE 2/4/09: The real site is up now! There are still a few pages under construction, including the all-important portfolio, but the design is live. Check it out and let us know what you think!)

A Crimeless Victim

We've all heard of the concept of a "victimless crime," but probably not a "crimeless victim." I humbly submit our back yard fence as an example.

Early yesterday evening as I was walking through my dining room, my attention was drawn to the back yard, where I heard some commotion through the open window. I saw a young man running at top speed through the yard, chased by an older man who was yelling, "Get the hell out of my neighborhood! Don't ever let me catch you in my neighborhood again!"

Frankly, I didn't recognize the older man, so I have no idea if he lives on my street or if he had been chasing the kid for many blocks, or if perhaps he was an escapee from the local mental hospital (and therefore had no right to be speaking on behalf of the neighborhood). But I had a high-speed foot chase to watch, so I didn't ask questions.

Now, anyone who's ever visited my house knows that you can't run very far in the yard without running into a fence. It runs perpendicular to the side of the house and separates the front yard from the back. Squirrels run under it or through the slats, deer jump over it, we walk through the little gate that has a very tricky childproof (and sometimes adultproof) latch. Everyone obeys the natural order of the fence.

Except for this fleeing kid. No sooner does the old guy shout, "If I ever see you back here, so help me...," than the running boy takes leap over the fence, catching his shoe on it and ripping off two of the pickets as he falls to the ground with an agonized scream. In the next instant he got up and kept on running, leaving the old guy shaking his head in disgust at a chase narrowly lost. (Stupid childproof latch!)

Because the previous owners of my house affixed a Neighborhood Watch sticker to our kitchen window and I'm too lazy to peel it off, I figured I'd do my part and ask the old guy what was going on.

I leaned out the back door and cautiosly called out, "Hello? Sir? Is everything OK?" Keep in mind, I watch my fair share of crime thrillers so I know that not everything is as it seems, and we *do* have that mental hospital nearby, so I was making no assumptions as to anyone's innocence, guilt, or mental status.

Turns out the man caught the kid trying to steal stuff from his garage. "It's okay," he said. "I caught him before he could take anything." The man thanked me for my concern and headed back to what I must assume is his home.

So no crime was committed. Yet there lay the ruins of my fence. Like I said, a crimeless victim.

Island Flashback

Last night, Ryan's aunt Cher and uncle Tony came over for dinner. It was their first time visiting our house, so of course some serious housecleaning was on the agenda beforehand. I was on grocery duty, which is a dangerous proposition when we're on a deadline because I tend to enter a fugue state when grocery shopping - there's something deliciously hypnotizing about the unending bounty of the local Pick 'N Save. I think I must have spent a past life in a Soviet bread line. Anyhoo, after strolling the aisles for 2 or 3 hours, I made it back home with fixins for an island-inspired dinner.

After giving Tony and Cher the nickel tour, we started our evening with some ice cold sangria, black bean nachos, and mango salsa. Moving on to dinner, we had a tossed salad, Belizean chicken (made with the famous spice mix we brought back from Caye Ambergris), and red beans and rice. Cher and Tony brought dessert, a tasty cheesecake. To complete the island theme, we had a stray cat begging for food underneath the table (that'd be George, although she was much less scrawny than her Belizean counterparts).

We had a great time catching up with Tony and Cher, hearing about their summer and their upcoming fall plans (including a road trip to Colorado and New Mexico in October)! One of my favorite things about visiting with Ryan's family is hearing stories about him as a child. Next time you see him, ask him about his first ever childhood camping trip...

Latest Landscape Improvement

Remind me to take more "before" pictures. Every time I post an "after" photo with no "before," I feel like a total doof. I'm all proud and excited: "See what we did? Isn't it totally better than it used to be?" I ask. The response is invariably either "Uhhh... yeaaaah?" (note the pitch-raised vocal-question-mark inflection at the end) or "I guess, if you say so..." or "Who are you and why are you showing me pictures of a freshly caulked windowpane?"

It is in this spirit that I offer up the latest "after" photo in a continuing series of landscape improvement projects. Previously, this tree had one lonely hosta growing by its base. On Friday, I had the day off so I decided to give it some friends. And some rocks. And some cocoa shell mulch.

The hosta friends were abandoned on our doorstep in a box a few days ago. I know, I know, in some parts of the world opening unmarked boxes left on your doorstep is just asking for trouble. But after determining that there weren't any newborn kittens or explosives inside (we did this by kicking the box and not having it mew or explode), we figured it was safe to accept the contents.

As it turns out, the hostas were a gift from honorary neighbor Mary ("honorary" because she doesn't technically live on our block, but her beau does). A few weeks ago I caught her outside Malcolm's house, planting hostas on the sly. She thought the weeds didn't look too inviting, so she dug up some hostas from her mom's yard and transplanted them over at Malcolm's.

I am guessing her mom's hostas were in need of thinning, not that Mary was playing some elaborate disappearing perennial-themed practical joke on her. While that would certainly win some originality points, it is so labor intensive (and seasonal) that I don't see it catching on like the styrofoam-filled cubicle prank people like to play on vacationing coworkers. Now *that* one is fun all year 'round.

But back to our narrative.

Because I am a sucker for free landscaping materials (viz., multiple expeditions to harvest rocks), I offered to give a good home to any other of Mary's mom's hostas that might be looking to relocate. I was fully prepared to offer to go dig them up myself (I've got a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it). But Mary said, "No problem -- next time I'm out at my mom's, I'll bring you some!"

So, thanks to our wonderful honorary neighbor, I was able to transform this tree with its one lonely hosta into a fairly well-appointed little landscape oasis. Again, I'm sorry there's no "before" photo. But picture the "before" tree as the futon you had in college (you know which one I mean -- the one your roommate denies "spilling" all that Jaegermeister on to this day [yes, true, when you flip the cushion you'd never know the difference, but give it up already!]), whereas the "after" tree is more like that first decent couch you bought after you finally started making five figures. Sure, there are probably better, posher trees in the neighborhood, but this one is *our* little landscape improvement project, and I like it! Tomorrow night we will gather 'round and pour out a shot of Jaegermeister in honor of the old bare tree that is no more. I hear cocoa shell mulch does wonders retaining alcohol.

Aaaaiiigh!

You know how they say that without your health, life pretty much sucks? ('They' are probably more eloquent about it, but you get the idea.) Well, they're right. And my health complaints of the week are *completely* minuscule in the grand scheme of things, so I just want to give a shout out to all the people in the world with health problems bigger than mine and say, "People, I feel a fraction of your pain. Only a small fraction, but I feel it. And I'm with you."

Starting out the week, I did something willfully stupid. I was watering the front garden after work (I hadn't even gone inside yet), and a giant weed caught my attention. I pulled it. Without gloves. Wait, let me rephrase: I tried to pull it. I closed my bare hand around its thin, smooth stem, and yanked it back in agony as hundreds of invisible (invisible, I say) barbs embedded themselves in my fingers and palm. It was like inserting your hand into a glove lined not with Angora but with fiberglass insulation, and tugging the glove extra hard and wriggling your fingers around to make sure you have a nice snug fit before you go outside and handle toxic waste. Or something.

Now people, I have spent enough time outdoors to know not to pull weeds that look, say, like this one at right. But I swear to you, my inflamed hand on a stack of Bibles, the weed I tried to pull looked normal.

Clearly, my definition of "normal" needed some fine-tuning, based on the painful little welts that were popping up all over my fingers. They were the only visible evidence that the weed was, in fact, evil.

Yay!

So I ran inside and grabbed some J.R. Watkins Petro-Carbo Salve, which was recently given to me by my friend Kim from work, who swears by the stuff. I slathered it on and watched the little welts turn from bright white surrounded by red, to just plain red, but at least they were shrinking. The pain, however, was not. Every time I flexed my fingers, I could feel the invisible barbs working their way deeper into my skin. So I stopped moving my hand. Problem solved.

But that was only the beginning of my ... issues. I noticed a tiny bite on the inside of my elbow (I'm not sure what the anatomical term is for the spot between the place where they take blood and your elbow -- the crook of your arm?). Anyway, the mosquitoes? They love me. So I figured it was one of them. Two days later, however, there is now a two-inch diameter amoeba-shaped welt on my arm, radiating out from the bite.

I did my due diligence and performed a Google Image search on "tick bite" (nope, no bullseye pattern...no telltale tick or tick remnants attached to me). Then I tried "spider bite" (there's a reason I'm not including sample photos from my findings -- I *definitely* was not bitten by a brown recluse spider).

So, whatever bit me may forever remain a mystery. For now it's just me and my amoeba. And it's growing!

I determined this by drawing with a ball-point pen around the perimeter of the amoeba shape last night. It's slightly larger today (hmmm...) but slightly less red (hooray!), no doubt due to the double dose of Allegra I took last night, at the advice of my doctor friend whose words filled me with a sense of calm and encouragement: "It's really hard to overdose on antihistamines."

I did have to promise not to sue her. And readers of this blog, be warned: You should in no way construe my personal treatment choices (or lack thereof) as optimal, or even recommended, courses of action for your own medical issues. And the second-hand comments from my knowledgeable friend? Not lawsuit fodder! I mean, come on people. This is the blogosphere. Everyone knows bloggers don't go outside or have friends. So this entire site could be the elaborately constructed fiction of a person with a whole lotta free time. Can you ever know for sure?

Anyway.

I also broke my toe. That story, while it does involve a great deal more cursing, is on the whole less entertaining. Suffice it to say, it is not a good idea to draw on yourself with a ballpoint pen while walking across a room that contains chairs.

Deflowered!

O.

M.

G.!

Someone or something deflowered our poppy!