The Players

  • Tilney (a.k.a. "the Bride"): 5 foot 10 inch female caucasian, big hair.
  • Ryan (a.k.a. "the Groom"): 6 foot 2 inch male caucasian, big smile.
Both suspects last spotted canoodling at Home Depot. Groom has injury to his right hand after latest (foiled) gardening attempt.
Report filed by Officer K. Pizza on 9/05/2007 at 4:28 AM.

Witness Statements
  • "Tilney and Ryan are two of the funniest people I've ever met. And I don't mean funny-weird, I mean witty, sparkling, delightfully entertaining funny. I think this bodes very well not only for any time I'm lucky enough to spend with them, but also for the state of their union. And that's only the beginning of their fine qualities. I don't know why you're trying to make canoodling out to be some sort of crime, Officer. What those two do in the privacy of their own garden is their own business."
    Statement taken from J. Merrill of Dubuque, IA on 9/10/2007 at 10:26 AM.
  • "Tilney is genuine, caring, compassionate, witty, charming (and darn cute, to boot). It's a pleasure to work with her every day. Ryan [is] a lucky man. I'm sure they're guilty, but I wish them the best of luck in evading capture for this heinous crime, Pig. ... Wait, what did you say? Canoodling? Oh, I thought you said they did something else to the Home Depot. Never mind. What was the question?"
    Statement taken from A. Nonymous of Hartland, WI on 10/06/2007 at 11:47 AM.
  • "Tilney is an Irish Pre-Raphaelite beauty clown girl with a beatific smile and wicked sense of humor...a face that could launch a thousand ships and mind that could stick-pin you to the bulletin board...wears great winter hats while worrying if you're doing OK over a cup of java. Dearest person ever... If I got to have a third daughter she would be it (I have two already)! Ryan...handsome foreign artist and undercover agent...found in cafes expounding on amazing facts I've never even thought about...part-time knife thrower and cat trainer...his smile will melt the hardest heart...his jokes will leave you wondering...it is a joy to be in his company...and as in Tilney, if I would have been granted to have a son I would pick him first in line. And just so you know, Officer, you'll never catch them because I'll be driving the getaway car!!"
    Statement taken from J. Randall of Madison, WI on 10/12/2007 at 2:35 PM.
Who are they? Where will they surface next? The search continues...

Good citizens, if you wish to come forward with any more information about "the Bride" and "the Groom," visit the Contest! page to submit your story.

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